This article first appeared in Capital, The Edge Malaysia Weekly on September 23, 2024 - September 29, 2024

It’s about 9.45pm on Tuesday, Sept 17. This writer is sulking at home, stuck with the 14-year-old brown pooch sitting in the corner — which is in a worse mood, if that is even possible. The pooch is attacking her favourite stuffed toy, Varghese — biting him, clenching her little jaws and vigorously jerking her head from side to side in what looks like an attempt to break his neck. She looks threateningly at the writer as if to say, “I will do this to you next. Let me finish with Varghese.”

She is less than a foot long and only 8.67kg in weight, so this writer is not too perturbed.

Varghese has seen better days. Once a bright pink hue, he is now faded and most of his insides have come out, thanks to the violent little pooch. (Mental note, must buy her a new Varghese.)

Her displeasure (as with this writer’s) stems from her (actual) owner leaving the house at about 5.45pm, all dolled up, in short shorts and a tank top. She had taken more than an hour to get ready and put on her lipstick (not just any lipstick but one which needed application with a brush). Such precision, such passion, such effort …  all to go to a Bruno Mars concert.

The last time she took so long to get ready and look this amazing was for our wedding about five years ago. I don’t recall lipstick being applied with a brush then.

And if my sense of smell is correct, the perfume the lady of the house had on was Paloma Picasso. I think to myself: “It has been discontinued and is hard to come by, so why waste it on Bruno Mars?”

Since 5.45pm, there has only been one text message from her and that was also a brief one: “Am here, made it on time … so excited!!! Long queue but should be in on time.” This was accompanied by emojis — a winking smiley yellow face, a yellow face with an open mouth and a red heart.

How do you reply to a message like that?

Anyway, what is this fascination, or should it be more accurate, obsession with Bruno Mars? OK, to his credit, he looks like a younger, shorter and (far) less rugged version of Phil Lynott (Philip Parris Lynott), the front man of the Irish rock band Thin Lizzy, to those who don’t know.

And just for the record, Bruno Mars’ real name is Peter Gene Hernandez (sic), so where did the Bruno and the Mars come from?

Maybe what triggered this writer’s anger is that before the missus left, she said sarcastically: “But you have your Pernas (Perbadanan Nasional Bhd) carnival on Saturday right? (I swear I heard a chuckle) And I’m not complaining that you are going without me …”

The angry retort: “The Pernas carnival is in (Dewan Sipadan III, Sabah International Convention Centre, Kota Kinabalu) Sabah, and I AM NOT GOING FOR IT!!!”

She didn’t even reply but walked off, slightly swaying her hips, mocking. I hate it when she does that!!!

And Pernas is involved in nation building, building responsible individuals who contribute to society. Could I say the same for Gene?

Yes, there is some amount of jealousy, maybe because she has said she loves Bruno Mars once too often and refers to him as sexy.

So, a plan is hatched — to discredit Bruno Mars, make him seem less cool than he is.

At circa 12.30pm, she walks in all smiles and in a very good mood, slightly sweaty from all the dancing, but still looking great.

This writer is polite and asks how the concert went and listens to how great Mr Mars was on stage, etc, etc, etc, how cute his Puerto Rican drummer was, blah, blah, blah, how energetic the dancing was, blah, blah, blah. Just as she paused for a breather, this writer manages to interject: “Oh I heard from my sources that Gene, I mean Bruno Mars, is buying into NTPM (Holdings Bhd).”

No reaction.

“You know, Nibong Tebal Paper Mill ... Come on you know … they make that toilet paper … under Cutie Compact brand.”

The desired affect is reached … her smile fades at the thought of Gene buying into a toilet paper manufacturer.

For effect, the writer adds: “… Toilet paper is a recession-proof business. And NTPM pays regular dividends … 0.8 sen in January this year. It’s a good buy at about 30 sen and, who knows, Gene, I mean Bruno Mars, could be the face of Cutie Compact eventually.”

The silence is deafening, the smile, much like the swagger, is gone. The battle is won, but the war is far from over, she will retaliate. But until then, Mr Mars is no longer a stud thanks to NTPM’s Cutie Compact.

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