A probe by prudes shows up some shameful shenanigans. Or do they?...

SEX. There's no real need for me to go on, is there? Oh, well, I'll get on with it then.

Yes, this week we talk about sex (with apologies to Salt 'N Pepa). I mean, it's not like there's anything else on your mind (I know my readers well). Granted not everyone is thinking exclusively about sex (there's also food, food AND sex, music, music AND sex, TV, sex on TV — you get the idea), but there are a few for whom the "F word" means FarmVille (get some fresh air, guys, on an ACTUAL farm).

And before you go complaining to the Malaysian authorities about me, let me say this: our politicians are involved in way more salacious stuff than you can shake a very big stick at (see here for what I mean), so don't even bother. Practically every religion has a saying about the perils of being aware of other people's minor shortcomings whilst ignoring your own glaringly huge peccadilloes — so if you are trying to play the holier-than-thou card, you're barking up the wrong lingam (see what I did there? Never underestimate a writer's ability to link anything to sex)...

What brought about this week's raunchy writing is that fact that the French police force were calling several football players, including Franck Ribéry and Sidney Govou, as witnesses in an investigation on a prostitution network. According to the report by Reuters, French media said players heard by investigators were clients of a nightclub in Paris's posh Champs-Elysees district that allegedly featured escort girls.

Ribéry's lawyer Sophie Bottai said in a statement: "Personalities including Franck Ribéry and other players of international fame count in their relations a person close to the leader of an escort girls network. It is only because of that relationship that they have been or will be heard by police investigating this case."

Govou's lawyer Thierry Braillard said his player "was not involved in the case, neither directly nor indirectly". The player's club Olympique Lyon said in a statement they fully supported him.

And here's the killer bit: the headline of the article was "Prostitution probe deals blow to France's image".

I'll let that sink in to your mind for a bit more before I go on.

I would start singing that popular Alanis Morissette song — but after watching Ed Byrne tear it down, I would have to agree that it's not ironic; merely unfortunate. (Go on and watch Ed in his other skits on Live At The Apollo — you'll bust a gut). I mean, Malaysia is full of prudes and outrage about sex scandals (which seem to sell papers anyway, as I know from first-hand experience) — but FRANCE?!? The land of l'amour, with the language of love and a President who got elected with one wife and ended up with another not even a year later — shocked at an alleged association with prostitutes?

And these are escort girls who are probably very professional looking: smartly dressed in the latest and timeless Parisian fashion, as opposed to high-tide-in-a-Patpong-backstreet-while-One Night In Bangkok-plays-in-the-background. Apparently, the French are just like Malaysians because they seem more interested in what happens in other people's boudoirs (ooh, such a sensuous-sounding word!) than their own. It doesn't take a genius like Casanova to figure that something is seriously wrong with societies that are both hypocritical and voyeuristic.

Let's give them the benefit of the doubt. They are probably shocked not by the fact that Ribéry may be soliciting ladies of leisure, but by the fact that is is Ribéry involved. I mean, have you seen the guy? He's fancy on his feet, but very unlikely to dethrone Zac Efron and Robert Pattinson as the object of your erotic dreams (if you have erotic dreams about him, you are in serious need of therapy). He could do with some major plastic surgery and orthodontic magic — although to be fair, that is not his fault, as he was an accident victim as a child. (Ronaldinho, on the other hand, has no such excuse, and seems set to be the mainstay on The Daily Mail's list).

What particularly tickles me is that it comes about two months after an attack on several Australian government websites in coordinated attacks protesting against a planned internet filter aimed at pornography. According to another Reuters report, the attacks — confirmed by the Attorney-General's Department — crippled Australia's parliamentary website for almost an hour, including the Communications Department, which is pushing a compulsory internet filter for pornography and offensive content.

The attacks were launched by hackers aligned with an anti-Church of Scientology group known as "Anonymous". "No government should have the right to refuse its citizens access to information solely because they perceive it to be 'unwanted'," the group said in an email. "The Australian government will learn that one does not mess with our porn."

There's a quote if ever there was one.

Let's recap, shall we? So many sports figures seem to be less than content playing on safe turfs — Tiger Woods wasn't wasn't satisfied sinking a hole-in-one (if you know what I mean), and John Terry embarrassed the people who voted him Dad of the Year. It seems that the operative words are: "Play ball". And Australians seem to be really obsessed with "obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit", as defined by Dictionary.com.

Honestly, it's enough to make you forget the new lows achieved during the recent by-elections in Malaysia. At least these sexual shenanigans only result in dirty minds; the political mud-slinging we have seen have stained our collective souls. And that is a dirty crying shame...

Ahmad Azrai still gets spam ads for Viagra, despite not having any interest nor need for them.