This article first appeared in Capital, The Edge Malaysia Weekly on October 2, 2017 - October 8, 2017

Every week, writers like myself have to process the top stories and write a Coffee Break about it. It has to be edgy enough to captivate readers, but not too much or I might get a spanking.

I have not been caned in public since high school and I’d like to keep it that way.

So, even before I run my ideas past my editor, I have an internal brainstorming session to weed out all traces of sedition. God forbid, the written form changes someone’s mind.

This week, it went something like this:

Imaginary editor: We need ideas for this week’s Coffee Break!

Imaginary writer: How about the sudden cancellation of the beer festival? We could call it, “Alcohol brake”.

E: How many times have I told you, we are a serious business paper. We cannot write about religious things. Also, no puns.

W: Even if religion affects business? It could affect tourism and colour the world’s perception of Malaysia as a progressive and moderate state. We could take an economic angle — “More expensive than a hipster’s microbrew: The price of intolerance”.

E: And if you’re right, and we just so happen to live in an intolerant country, what do you think will happen if we publish such a story? If you’re right, you’re wrong.

W: But it isn’t fair for one group of people to impose their sensitivities on another group of people. If you are against drinking, just don’t drink. You don’t have to interfere with what your neighbours do with their own time and money. How about “An idiot’s guide to NOT drink. Step 1: Shut your mouth”.

E: Most people are going to be offended by that headline. And you know what the quasi-intellectuals will say — Liberals preach tolerance. Yet, they are intolerant of the views of others. Liberals must accept that certain parties don’t like it when informed adults spend their own money on things that have no effect on everyone else.

W: We don’t have time to debate the paradox  of tolerance. Fine, how about a non-religious angle? We could write about how the new head policeman guy canned the event because some people supposedly made threats. We could write about how the police are so clever — keeping the public 100% safe — and they don’t even need to get up from their seats.

E: I hope you’re not being sarcastic.

W: We could call it, “Top cop’s cop-out stops craft hops day out”. I could make an over-the-top ironic comparison — it would be like cancelling all flights at an airport because of one threatening phone call instead of beefing up security.

E: Give the new guy a break. He was just making up an excuse so he doesn’t have to talk about religion.

W: Fine, let’s drop that idea. Could we try writing about the laundromat issue? “Dobi or not Dobi…”

E: No puns! And again, why must you choose these sensitive religious matters? Besides, the Sultan has spoken and put an end to the matter. What more do you want to add?

W: We could write about how the people with actual executive and legislative power twiddled their thumbs and did nothing. We could call it, “Who washes the washmen?”

E: Washmen?

W: You know, like the washing machine men. The people who run the laundromats. It just sounds better if I use “washmen” instead of …

E: Please, no puns.

W: What about a parody about money laundering instead? We could call it, “1M-Dobi”.

E: One, people are sick and tired of hearing about that scandal, especially those involved, and two, no puns!

W: Okay, okay. How about the guy who got fined for wearing shorts in that state up north? We could write it in an ironically positive manner like “Religious authorities clamp down on gender discrimination”.

E: But ...

W: “Man foots bill for being shin in public”.

E: (Moans)

W: “Shorts-sighted clerics ...”

E: Nope.

W: “Excuse me, Tuan, my eyes are up here”.

E: Stop. Just stop. Look, you are a Malaysian citizen. No former Turkish president is going to reach out to the blue bloods to bust you out of religious prison. Also, I’m just a voice inside your head. I don’t want to get locked up with you.

W: Self-censorship is a major pain in the butt.

E: We still need a story. Tick-tock.

W: I know, what if we publish this internal monologue but criticise it at the end. Two negatives are a positive, right?

E: As long as you make it sound sincere.

* Sincere note: All the ideas above are terrible, and the puns are deeply regretted.

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